Past, Fear, Lost Cause: Who Cries Over Lost Things
by goddess-orchid
Summary: Shepard needs to move. She needs to move or there will be time to think about things she may have never wanted to know. To think about how much she struggles with being vulnerable. Kaidan needs to get in. He needs to make sure that sometimes Shepard gets to be human because maybe it will make it ok for him. He needs to know what she's hiding from him. Maybe it'll bring them closer.
1. Chapter 1

11/6/13 All rights to respective owners(Bioware/EA), except Winter Shepard who is my own creation.

Shepard had to run. The truth was eating her up inside.

It could not have been too shocking to see Commander Shepard doing her rounds so late into sleep cycle. Doing the paces between cargo and CIC kept seemed like her new hobby. As the Reapers took more territory she got less sleep. Her joints ached and her head throbbed every time a new report came in. Luxon Colony. Fallen. Greyshore. Fallen. Mindoir...(she'd hold her breath and count to ten) still standing for what it was worth. The reports kept coming in. The lists of colonies and the lists of the dead stacked high in her mind.

The past replayed twice as often as the lists. As messed as it was she could not deny that every night some part of her said a prayer thanking whatever gods out there for the fact that her family was dead. They didn't need to see this. They didn't need to see her fail. Shepard bit into her lip, turning hard around a corner, stepping into the elevator. Shepard laced her fingers together staring up at the ceiling. Ice settled into the base of her spine, reaching out to the pit of her stomach. She placed a hand against her stomach letting out a slow breath.

"I'm sorry." She's not sure why she said it or who it was for, but somehow it was not enough.

Hopefully, Vega would be down in the shuttle bay, and up for doing something, anything. "You know where to find me commander." It was pretty true he rarely seemed to go other places on the ship unless it was poker night or he needed to think. _Reliable_. James treated her like another soldier instead of as a hero or a ghost. She tried not to show favoritism, but some members of her squad and crew just clicked with her. Maybe he would be up for a game of cards.

When she walked into the shuttle bay James wasn't in sight. The only ither creature down there was the little mech dog, Kei-9, who came padding up to her. It scanned her up and down, but afterward it remained by her side. It had learned a new trick, the commander loved dogs. She knelt down and patted it's head.

"You do know you're a mech right?"

Kei-9 made a small series of beeping noises.

"Fine. Live in your fantasy world if you like dog." She gave her another pat and Kei-9 began to sniff...scan some cords on the floor.

Shepard walked over to James impromptu work station running her fingers over the edges of the table. Outside of the mess of tools, assault rifle mods, and miscellaneous stuff she was pretty sure he had next to nothing. His home was Earth and chances were whatever he had there was gone. Shepard bit her lip again, feeling the muscles of her face contort in disgust. The Reapers would leave no stone unturned. Everything would fall.

Shepard shook the thought from her mind and moved to James pull-up bar. With a baby jump she reached the bar gripping it tight. The moment her fingers clasped around it the icy metal gave her a start. _Cold, fucking hate cold_, she thought as she managed to pull her body upward. A heavy sigh escaped her as she lowered herself. How many people were dying while Commander Shepard did pull-ups?

"Too late to think." She whispered to herself, pulling her body up again.

She lowered down, her hands twitching somewhat. The image of the little boy who haunted her dreams popped in her mind. Even from a distance she had felt the heat of his escape shuttle as it blasted into thousands of pieces. Not having the faith of an adult was one thing but for a child...

"Too late for the past."

She pulled herself up once more. The thought rushed in her head despite her best efforts. A chill colder than the rod crept in through her back and claimed her body. Before Kaidan she had never thought about settling down completely. She would gain rank, and then maybe years later settle back with a boy toy and teach biotics how to warp batarians and geth back to hell. It was simple back then and even after Kaidan it had been somewhat simple. They'd be together no matter what. They'd be old soldiers together and maybe one day they'd have a little boy with whiskey colored eyes or a girl who had Shepard's tactical skill. They'd grow old and live in Vancouver. Every year they'd invite the old Normandy crew over for burgers, the real stuff not that processed synthetic crap. She'd make specialty meals for Garrus and Tali.

"Too late for-"

"-silly self deceptions like I would have never expected of you." Shepard said, as she and Miranda made their way through the presidium commons. "Miranda, you can't act like if you don't tell me it never happened."

Miranda's body language was unmistakable, controlled with perfect poise. Where most people would only notice grace Shepard saw the slight hints of tension in Miranda's posture. Her tighten shoulders, her closed in body language. Shepard's questions had put her on edge. They brushed past a volus whose over presumptuous hands ran up both their thighs. Both women stopped and looked to each other than back to the chubby alien walking away from them as though he were innocent.

He wasn't worth it, but damn did Shepard want to punch something.

. "Shepard, don't go opening a can of worms where it's irrelevant."

"Miranda, do you remember what I told you the first time we went drinking together?" They waited for a group of Salarians to step off the elevator before stepping on. Once Miranda selected their location on the control panel she crossed her left arm over her chest holding her chin in her right hand.

Miranda shrugged nodding. "Sure I do. "I respect how you operate, Miranda. That may shock you, but I respect your precision-""

" "-and the way you keep order."" Shepard smiled, nodding at the memory.

The air was still a moment as Miranda drew in a quiet breath. She leveled her shoulders, spreading her feet apart, and straightening her posture, mimicking Shepard's general stance as best she could.

"I think I sat there skeptical of you for about a half minute befor you said "just because I could never be like you doesn't mean I can't respect you, or even like you. It may mean I like you more."" Miranda said the last line with her best impression of Shepard. Did she really sound that full of herself though? Shepard hoped not. "That was the day I decided your honesty was less a risk and more of an asset."

Shepard chuckled leaning against the wall, watching as the numbers slowly lowered on the panel. uneasiness settled into her gut and the subtle nauseating feeling began again. Shepard had never been one to struggle with anxiety over talking to people, but the entire situation was just messed. She drew in a deep breath looking at Miranda's perplexed face. This wasn't going to be easy was it?

"Do me a favor, just this once. Well, admittedly you have done me a few favors."

Miranda raised a brow, crossing her arms again as she scoffed "A few?"

"More than a few, but at least we're friends now. That makes this different." Shepard sounded like a child trying to make a deal with a teacher for a better grade. Part of her insides twisted up. Begging for good will had never been Shepard's strong point. In a strange way as much as she complained doing things for people in order to gain their support made her feel better. That option was currently un-fucking-available. "So I'm asking you to do me a favor and tell me the truth. You could go your life without knowing in this situation, but I can't."

The elevator stopped in a section of the presidium commons. It was not the spot she usually frequented near Apollo's café, but it was still clinically pristine like every other part of the presidium. Miranda lead Shepard down a staircase to where they could over look the water. No one gave them much of a second glance except for a few hungry eyes. Shepard couldn't blame them with Miranda in her tight fitting jumpsuit and Shepard in her short black dress they were a nice show. _Just two women with minor terrorist ties walking along, nothing important_.

"Shepard…"

"Miranda."

Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose shutting her eyes "Don't make me do this to you Shepard."

"Do what? What do you think will happen? I'll start weeping and sobbing?"

"No. I think what will happen is you get frustrated for a while, and swallow it because you're Winter Shepard." Miranda sounded half tired, as though Shepard's nature exhausted her by thought alone.. Shepard suppressed the small smirk threatening the corners of her mouth. "Then you nearly get yourself killed by using your battles as stress relievers and being reckless."

"I deal with it better tha-"

"No, Shepard, you don't. You think you do that's why parts of your psych profile were a mile long. I'm going to tell you what you told me, "you're always more sensitive than you ever think you are when things hit close to home." And Shepard I don't think this could be closer to home." Miranda gripped the railing in front of her shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

Miranda stared off watching the calm waters move lackadaisically along. From her brunette hair and carefully sculpted face down to her perfectly proportioned hips and long legs, Miranda was damn near perfect. At times, for very brief moments, Shepard wished Cerberus could have upgraded her ass to look like Miranda's. Still as Shepard's eyes roamed over Miranda's features, she thanked the heavens that she didn't have that perfection. Miranda used cool logic, telling the truth would distract Shepard from saving everyone. It has already passed regardless, so it was irrelevant. The solution— don't tell Shepard. it wasn't so damn simple. Life was messy. Shepard was messy. Miranda's perfect genes couldn't quite cope with that sometimes. With a labored sigh Shepard looked on over the water, brushing her hair to the side.

"You're probably right." Shepard's fingers tapped along the bottom of the railing before she gripped it tight. "I'm going to die Miranda."

"What?"

"We know war is never fair. We've lost good men and women. Good friends are now dead. Entire worlds, colonies, are burning. I was ushered into death young. It's nothing to me to see it, to cause it, and hell I've felt it slowly encroaching…squeezing the life from my lungs with the most horrifyingly gentle touch you could ever imagine." Her body tensed and she gripped the railing tighter. Her knuckles popped and paled, as her heart began to slow with each of her measured breaths. She wasn't afraid to die. To be afraid meant she would hesitate. Hesitation wasn't an option. "I will probably die before this war is over, and it will probably be painful."

"…That's morbid of you." Miranda stared straight out over the water. It could have been her imagination, but Shepard swore she saw Miranda flinch. That was a first.

"Thanks," She chuckled, then smiled at Miranda. "Just tell me. I just want to know even though it may fuck with my head. I want to know even though it means nothing. It's one of those things I don't want to die not knowing. Can you understand Miranda?"

The two women turned to each other in silence. Never would Shepard have thought her list of closest allies would include a Cerberus agent. Miranda probably felt the same about Shepard being Alliance. Miranda's eyes darkened and her brow wrinkled as her lips dropped into a frown. She turned stepping back her fingers still around the railing. Her body slumped, and her eyes focused on the ground. Winter Shepard had just gotten former Cerberus agent Miranda Lawson to surrender. The taste of victory would have been sweeter under other circumstances, but as Miranda straighten up a bitter taste stained Shepard's mouth. She had not meant to make Miranda feel so...sad. However, if it helped her cause who was she to argue?

Shepard kept rolling the memory over in her mind. She had kept quiet when Miranda showed her the data on her omni-tool, and also kept quiet when she explained things more succinctly. It wasn't until Shepard was wandering the ship that the thought kept ravaging her mind. Life was such an unfair thing. Truly fucking terrible. Yet the universe had given her another chance at it. That said the universe was a selfish bitch that was just looking out for itself in resurrecting her.

It wasn't a big deal. She hadn't even known for sure the past was dead. Why did it make her insides ache like poison was dripping down the walls of her insides. Maybe Miranda's words were truer than Shepard realized. The truth bred distracting painful thoughts. The universe fucked her over twice through death. Then again Shepard was never sure that it was a life she wanted to lead.

Shepard pulled herself up again, her chin just barely hitting the bar. She let go, staring up at it with a sneer before continuing. The sound of somewhat light footsteps hit her ears. Those footsteps were the most familiar to her. Probably because she waited for them every night. Every day. Every chance she could. Except at that moment. She hadn't wanted to see him yet. The decision to tell him was still up in the air. _Christ._

"Hey Kaid," She said.

"Hey, couldn't sleep?"

She gave a quick glance over her shoulders, but immediately went back to pulling herself up, lifting her chin over the bar.

"Yeah, have a lot on my mind." The quietness of her voice almost startled her. She sounded so focused, so flat. She sounded like after Mindoir all over again. A shudder ran through her causing her grip to loosen. She bit the inside of her cheek and began doing more pull ups. The situation, the secret facts, denied to her previously were unimportant. Details of a minor biography. Her strength surpassed that. The multitude of feelings would stay behind the barrier in the far reaches of her mind.

"Yeah, something kind of told me you did."

Her response was a choked grunt as she lifted herself once more. The ache crawling up her muscles indicated that she must have been at it for longer than she realized. No wonder Kaidan woke up. He always did if she was gone too long. She could almost feel him folding his arms over his chest, his eyes fixed on her back. If she had Miranda's ass, maybe that would distract him.

The gentle humming of the ship filled the silence hanging over them. The balloon of tension floated there gradually gaining width the longer he watched. Her pull ups became more intense. He'd seen it on the battlefield far too many times, that "reckless" stress relieving Miranda mentioned. She moved a bit faster, pushing through the strain.

"Tell me what's up with you Shepard."

"Well," She hefted herself up again, grunting out "there's the war." She lowered herself only to hear him give one of his Freud like 'hmm's. Damn that man could irritate her.

Lift

"There's everyone looking at me to save them like I know what the hell I'm doing." She couldn't stop the venom in her voice. Honestly, she didn't really care to.

Lift

"There's the Illusive Man."

Her grip tightened and she struggled to lift herself again. Those bright blue unnatural eyes popped in her head. Did he stand over her tortured remains as they told him about her state before death? Shepard's fingers weakened, leaving her hanging limp. The ache in her arms burned, but she pushed herself harder, forcing out four more pull ups. As she tried to lift herself once more the air left her lungs. Five years ago she could do more, four dozen more at least, but the weariness caught up with her. _Sleep could be so...illusive. Wrong choice of words_.

"But there's something else. I know you Shepard."

A seething heat crawled in her veins followed by a rush of adrenaline. The ease with which Kaidan dissected her left plenty of room for irritation, one of her favorite fuels. _Even in the man's annoying me he helps me ugh_ . Despite the strain in her arms she pulled herself up again with a grunt."Aren't you quite the therapist?"

The words were accusatory, scathing. Garrus once teased she could cut a Krogan with her tone, and damn if it didn't sound like she tried to. "Forget it major."

"Don't-" The words echoed in the open corridor and Kaidan paused. Shepard looked over her shoulder, trying to mask the look of regret that took over her expression. He lowered his eyes letting out a breath before meeting her gaze. Kaidan looked a bit tired, his eyes somewhat glazed, his shoulders slumped more than usual. The stress was eating away at everyone. "Don't block me out."

Her eyes focused on the opposing wall as she continued on despite the fire making its way up her arms. Shepard used to be better at hiding things, except when it came to Kaidan. No one knew the truth about Mindoir outside of Anderson, family, and top brass. Yet, everyone knew about her and Kaidan almost immediately. After Horizon everyone knew something was up before she even told them. _Fucking Kaidan making me have fucking emotions that were fucking obvious_. Kaidan Alenko powerful biotic, great ass, damn fine lover, and Commander Shepard's greatest weakness. Yeah that sounded about right.

"Winter...talk to me."

_I could tell Kaidan right now_.

"It…is not relevant."

_Would he get upset_? _Would he even care_?

"What isn't?"

_Yes. He just might_.

"What's bugging me." She let out a rasping grunt, letting go of the bar, glancing in his direction. She held one arm to her chest, twisting her torso one way then the other, stretching.

"Hun." Kaidan lowered his voice despite the fact that they were alone, and half the ship had already put two and two together. Old habits died hard. "I've seen you frustrated, and angry, and depressed, but…I've rarely seen you with that look in your eye."

She shrugged reaching down slowly, listening to one vertebrae pop one after one."What look, Kaid?"

She looked to him briefly before continuing her stretching.

"The look where you can't actually look me in the eye."

Without a word she stood up straight folding her arms beneath her breasts, holding herself. Shepard met Kaidan's eyes, and the concern played out in them crushed her. Vulnerable. He made her vulnerable. Her eyes lowered fixated on the steel floor . Maybe if she stared long enough it would give her the answer to making him go away.

Kaidan brushed a few stray hairs from her face, staring into her eyes, as if looking straight through her. He caressed down to her neck then to her shoulder. She closed her eyes, trying to pretend things were different. Each trail his fingers left shot through her body sending a tingling down her spine. Sensations like arousal, but never quite reaching in between her legs. _Emotional arousal. Feeling. Living_. It was still new to her. He gave her an infection of the sweetest kind, but it had its pricks and pains—Horizon, Mars, the fact that Shepard shot Udina without much thought. This was just another. So why was it hurting so bad?

"Kaidan don't."

"Is this related to your little dinner date with Miranda?"

"Kaidan…don't go somewhere you don't want to when you don't have to." Miranda had tried to do the same to her, but this was different. Kaidan wasn't her. He didn't need to know. He never needed to know. It wasn't his body he probably never even suspected. She had already run through what his reactions could be, but none seemed accurate. Most were too dramatic and the rest were too measured. Kaidan didn't need the burden he didn't...

When Shepard's eyes opened neither looked away from the other. The wear and tear showed in her eyes every time she looked in the mirror, and one look said that it hurt him like hell. Shepard was never as good as he was at reading people, but the flickers of fear were too obvious. _I trust you. I love you please don't think otherwise. God please. I'm just not...put me in a fire fight but here with you it's so hard.._.The explanation was bubbling in the back of her throat threatening to escape. Shepard tried to force them out, but they hit a wall. Her emotional barriers were just as strong as her biotic ones, and just as stubborn.

"Where you go I go. Doesn't matter the situation Shepard. Trust me enough for that."

The words sent adrenaline pumping through her again, but this time it wasn't anger. It was a rush of energy and suddenly the words she wanted to say became the thing she was dying to contain. If she didn't get them out she would explode. The secret, the truth, the past, or whatever it was would rip her apart.

"I died Kaidan. I thought I died alone, and I was alone, but I wasn't-"

"What are you-"

"When Liara found me and gave Cerberus my body they fixed me. They analyzed every nook and cranny to get me back to normal. They grabbed files and hacked systems in reference to virtually every medical exam I had ever taken. They splayed me open and put me back together exactly as I should have been." She grabbed his hand pressing it to her neck, feeling the warmth of his hand wash over her.

Kaidan knew the spot well, right above where her neck met her shoulder. On the SR-1 he would pull her into a corner and leave kisses along a long almost faded scar. A nearly fatal scratch left by a husk on Eden Prime. But there was fresh flesh now without a scar to speak of.

"But I wasn't exactly as I used to be. I was a blank slate— old wounds heeled, minor imperfections inflicted by years of hard work, and hard fighting were gone. But…that…that wasn't…" She looked away, shutting her eyes tight retraining the tears that had begun to line her eyes. Commander Shepard doesn't fucking cry on her ship. No, never, and yet there she was. Why was she like this? It wasn't a big deal. It had happened long ago, but damn if it didn't feel open and fresh.

Kaidan tried to pull her into his arms but she just pushed him away. Her face contorted and she looked down, wiping her eyes so no tears would fall. The sweat on her hands made her eyes burn a little, but so long as she looked away he wouldn't notice Shepard drew in a deep breath and looked up. She had reset her barrier. It had faltered but it would not break. Kaidan stared at her with a look of uncertainty and worry. He saw right through her because he'd seen the look on her face far too often. It was the look she had after Asheley's death, and after Thessia, self hatred…disgust.

Kaidan moved to speak, but Shepard put up a hand to stop him.

"We spent a lot of time in bed Kaidan, and birth control's never perfect."

Kaidan's face paled and his eyes went wide. "Shepard…are you saying you…you…" He searched for the words in the depths of her eyes, but she just looked away focusing on his feet.

She rubbed her hands together ignoring the sweat and soreness of her palms. Everything was spinning around them. She had lost her footing and didn't know where she was going. "I was. When I died I had a suspicion, but I thought it was paranoia. Aunt Flo didn't come, but I thought it was stress."

"You never said..." The words were barely above a whisper as Kaidan trailed off. His gaze moved to the floor, searching for the answers she sought earlier.

_I can tell you that won't work_.

She turned away from him facing the bulkhead leaning against a crate holding her body as if trying to keep it together. Cold second after second her hands began trembling more and more. The emotions had stormed the barrier with a plot to wreck it to shreds. It was shameful, a fucking disgrace. At least none of the crew were around to see it. _Weak. Weak woman_.

"Why did you never tell me?" There was a minor flare from his biotics that caused her to jump. His biotics were always something he kept on a short leash. Her own amp responded with a minor crackle. She turned around and inhaled feeling the aura of his biotic flicker. He looked confused, almost disturbed, but more than that worry lay in his eyes.

"I didn't know."

A sigh left him and he rubbed his forehead before meeting her gaze again. "Did Miranda tell you?

"Yeah, earlier. Between the collectors, the Reapers, Cerberus, and everyone else in the damn galaxy I didn't even think to ask about it before. I was going over a medical file looking for details on my implant out of curiosity, and it just popped in my head. I remember the attack but some of my...smaller memories weren't clear." She ran her fingers through her hair and a hollow laugh ran through her. The humor wasn't lost on her. The fact that she someone who never really thought about children would be so upset over something so insignificant. The thought hadn't crossed her mind in months, so what reason did she have to be upset? "It doesn't even matter. I mean…it doesn't. We didn't even know. Can you imagine? I mean what would have even happened?" An itch moved into her spine and down to her legs. She needed to move or everything would come crashing down on her. Shepard began to pace back and forth, trying to keep her voice low as her feet sped up. She couldn't slow down. To slow down was to get upset, and to be upset over nothing was to be weak. She wasn't weak. Never. "Even if the collectors had not come and even if I had never been spaced what would have happened? You would have been transferred and we both would have been reprimanded. God knows what else…"

"Shepard."

"Look at me I'd make a terrible mother. Sure I play mother and scoutmaster to everyone else in the damn galaxy, but that's different." As she spoke she barely stopped to take a breath.

"Shepard." He moved towards her, but she refused to freeze.

"I don't even know why I'm so damn upset! Nothing's changed."

Kaidan grabbed her by the shoulders forcing her to remain in one spot. The barriers inside were crumbling. Against her will her body was shaking, and under his gaze her tears were about to break free of the dam she worked hard to build. In the depths of Kaidan's eyes emotions played back and forth, going from confusion to anger to sadness and back. Yet the love in his eyes never faltered.

"It's ok." His voice was low, and Shepard wondered if the same expressions in his eyes were mirrored in hers. "It…it doesn't have to make sense. You don't have to rationalize everything and only feel what you think you should feel. Shepard, you have the right to feel whatever you need to. Maybe it's not always that way— we both know it can't be— but with me don't…please just don't hold back."

As Kaidan finished something in her broke. The barrier within her had collapsed sending hot tears down her sweaty cheeks as sobs choked her throat. She gasped for breath, fighting for control of herself, but as he took her into his arms the fight was lost. As his arms held her impossibly tight she could tell he needed this as much as she did. No, it didn't make perfect logical sense so long after the fact. Shepard couldn't explain it, and the certainty that Kaidan couldn't only served to make her love him more. There never needed to be an explanation or reason for anything between them.

In front of his students he was the biotic hero whose cool veneer caused fear as much as respect. To her crew— Hell to the galaxy— she was Commander Shepard hero of the Citadel, defender of the galaxy, and the woman who defied death itself. For a moment, they allowed themselves to be just a man and a woman who loved each other. They allowed themselves to feel something what they may never get to properly express again, parents locked in a sorrow for a child they had never known existed until far too late. There nature's were self inflicted. Kaidan was self contained, and Shepard was blocked off despite how verbose she tried to appear. Kaidan knew that well enough. Her life hurt less when she blocked things. He knew that well enough. Both of them would get past it and carry on, but for the moment they just stayed as they were. They'd get on it in their own way.

When the moment passed that shit would be buried.

She would go back to being Commander Shepard.

He would go back to being Major Alenko one of the best biotics in the galaxy.

They would potentially be the most deadly human couple known in human history.

They would go back to saving the galaxy from its utmost threat.

But for that moment they let each other feel the irrational things no one else gave them leeway to

And it was all both of them needed.


	2. Chapter 2

Old Forgotten Things PT 2

~Bioware owns all characters and concepts where appropriate~

Kaidan laid on Shepard's bed, staring up at the unfathomable number of stars passing by them as the Normandy continued on. Even if they failed those stars would continue on. Other races would inhabit them. They would marry and fall in love. They'd fight to live, and live life to the fullest. The universe would forget that a messed up kid became a major, and an orphan became the first human spectre. Whether he and Shepard lived or died the only thing that mattered was the time they had.

Shepard was curled up beside him, her head on his chest, snoring softly. She didn't get enough sleep. He kept telling her to take the sleep meds doctor Chakwas suggested, but she resisted because she wouldn't be "in the game" at all times. As Kaidan studied the dark circles under her eyes it was hard not to wonder if she was in the game at all. She would run every inch of the ship, then do sit ups in observation instead of sleep. She would twitch, and he would pretend not to notice. She probably wouldn't eat if he hadn't reminded her that as a biotic her caloric intake should be a hell of a lot at all times. He tried to ignore the fact that she still didn't eat enough.

It wasn't so long ago that she used to smile a bit more. He'd walk into her cabin to find her driving a model mako off the cliff of her desk, while making screaming noises. A krogan figurine would be in her other hand, and she always made the mako crash into the krogan. If he caught her quick enough he could watch for a good minute before Shepard noticed and shoved the toys back in her desk.

Now Shepard was wearing herself down, and he didn't know how to save her.

"Don't try to save me Kaid, just give me honesty...or maybe the occasional lie. Whatever you think works best." That's what Shepard told him back on the SR-1 before the stress had eaten her up. A chill ran up Kaidan's spine. Had Shepard been pregnant then? It was right after Illos and the battle of the Citadel. Shepard said it didn't matter, but that was a lie. It did.

Back then what would have even happened_? If Shepard had lived...she had live_d. What was he thinking? She had been in a coma for two years. Cerberus fixed her, the one and only thing he could say they were good for. _Yet what if_...Kaidan shifted , shutting his eyes. What if Cerberus could have saved their baby? _If they had the tech to fix Shepard... if they found out couldn't they have-_Kaidan thought back to what Shepard told him of the Illusive Man's intentions_._ A baby would have slowed the famous Commander Shepard down. She wouldn't have been useful to them. It would have been...a distraction. That was probably why Miranda didn't tell her in the first place. Heat began to run through his veins, and he clenched his left fist. The Illusive Man sat in his chair playing God, deciding who got to live and who didn't.

Shepard stirred, a horrified expression coming over her face before rolling over onto her side with a grimace. She was dreaming again. He had seen that look far too many times. Just because she didn't want him to save her didn't mean he didn't want to try. He rolled over wrapping an arm around her and planting a kiss on her neck.

Two years ago...as intense as things were they had just started their relationship. The war loomed over their heads like a noose, and no one was listening to her except Anderson and the crew. A baby would have just complicated that, and that's if Shepard wanted to keep it. Kaidan stared into her back tracing the fresh scars with his fingertips. He knew Shepard had a vague, but set life plan. She probably never thought she'd have the time for kids. What if she told him she didn't want the baby? How would he have reacted? Kaidan sighed pulling his hand from her back. He didn't even know what he was feeling now. Yet even back then he couldn't imagine life without her. He couldn't imagine not waking up beside her. He couldn't imagine not wanting one or two little Shepards running around.

It didn't matter. The Illusive Man and The Collectors had already made that choice for them.

"What's wrong, love?" Shepard's voice broke him from his thoughts. She turned over facing him. Her lips were curled in a small frown and her brow furrowed in concern.

"I'm ok. You need some sleep. We have another hour before our shift."

"Nah, I'm good. I couldn't sleep anyway."

"Dreams?"

"Hey, before we get to me let's talk about you." Shepard smiled, as she reached out to stroke his cheek. Her fingers were so warm. Kaidan held her hand there, and couldn't help but smile.

"It's about earlier." Kaidan drew in a breath, and Shepard nodded. "Did...Miranda say it was possible to...I don't know..."

Shepard looked perplexed for a moment, but then a look of recognition crossed her face. He didn't want to ask her, to stir the same confused agony he saw on her face before, but he needed to know.

"I...didn't ask. She indicated they didn't know until...they had begun restoring internal functions." Shepard had a way of distancing herself from. Kaidan nodded and a steady silence fell between them. He wasn't sure where he had been going with asking, and judging by the look on her face she wasn't sure what to add. It should have been easier. "Kaidan, what if I had managed to get on that escape pod with Joker?"

The question damn near winded him. It wasn't that he hadn't run that question over and over in his mind. No. Even though she was in his arms almost every night he still thought about it from time to time that for a whole set of other reasons. They'd have had two more years of life and love. Two more years for him to get comfortable with saying to hell with and asking her to marry him. But in this scenario how could he answer?

"Honestly?" She nodded and he let out a heavy breath. "I don't know. I mean down the road I figured yeah we'd settle down, but-"

"Not in the middle." Shepard sucked in her cheek and shrugged. "or back then...well the beginning of a potential galactic threat?" Sometimes she forgot how long she'd been gone. He couldn't blame her. When he laid beside her like that sometimes he did too.

"It...would have been complicated."

The thought flashed in his mind. The reprimands and marks on their record. The talk downs from Anderson and Hackett. The awkward phone call back home probably ending in his mother gasping that her then 32 year old son had knocked up his superior officer while "ending" a war. Shepard had a few relatives, an overbearing aunt and uncle who probably would have torn him apart. Other than that she didn't have much anyone else. Maybe that would have made her want their baby...maybe she still did.

Yet back then what could they have done? The news reports would flash with exposes of the first human spectre being pregnant by a man under her command. The hero of the Citadel's baby bump would have plastered every feed on the extranet for a week. She would have been sidelined, maybe lost command of the Normandy. The gossip would have been explosive, and maybe the council would have rethought her status as a spectre. She wouldn't have been able to be as active in the war effort. They'd paint her as a hormonal woman raving about an insane theory of a galactic cycle of destruction. He'd probably be reassigned by Anderson, but only after he ripped Kaidan a new one. Anderson guarded Shepard like a daughter.

_Yet an image came to his mind, Shepard sitting with his mom back in Vancouver overlooking the bay. A pretty eyed little girl the spitting image of her mother resting in Shepard's arms. She'd smile at him, as he had a beer with his dad. _

_ He saw him and Shepard standing over a crib watching their little girl sleep. Shepard dressed in nothing but the beaten up t-shirt she wore around her cabin. Her hair a mess about her head. The baby snoring softly, occasionally stirring a bit._

_ "This is why we fight Kaid. For her...for her future and every other kid who deserves a chance."_

_ He reach down and brush their baby's cheek then pull Shepard close. "We'll win this Shepard."_

_ Eighteen years later they'd be sitting in some stadium somewhere, as that same little girl with Shepard's eyes and his calm walked across a stage. Shepard, a little bit older, but just a beautiful as the day they met would yell "That's my baby!" while snapping every picture she possibly could with her onni-tool. Their daughter would look like she was about to die, and look at him for help. What could she expect when her mother was Commander Winter Shepard, overprotective mother of the galaxy not to mention her daughter? Their daughter would make a speech about how she and her classmates were born in war, and how it was now up to them to see that their children were born in peace. _

_ If she was like her mother she'd know exactly what to say. "Even though the Reaper threat is gone, and the geth have come to work with us peacefully, our greatest enemies are our own indifference, our fear, our willingness to pick a club over turning the other cheek. The future is ours to make, so let's make it a good one."_

_ And that little girl would. She'd make it so much better than Kaidan and Shepard ever could because kids were always supposed to do a bit better than their parents._

A strange feeling set in his spine that left his body colder than before. The thoughts were too perfect. Almost too scripted for reality. If Shepard had still been on duty over that two year period, and if he had still been in Vancouver at Alliance command then chances were their child would have been with his parents. On Earth. Kaidan envisioned his mother huddling in the basement of their orchard surrounded by neighbors all in dirty clothes as she bounced that same little girl. Clenching her tight with every Earth shattering blast of a reaper cannon. Even though it was his imagination the fiction burned through him like a clear reality.

Even then he was assuming Shepard would have wanted the baby. It was hard to say for certain that he would have been disappointed if she hadn't. It would have been rational to wait. Bringing a child into the war when Shepard needed to be leading the front lines would have been beyond cruel. Plus as much pressure that was on her, a fair bit was on him too. Biotics division had done some heavy weeks long missions prior to the attack on Earth, and in the present if the council or Alliance gave him a separate assignment pivotal to the war effort he would have to take it. Some people could argue they could make time, but the situation didn't leave too much room for choice. Still it should have been Shepard's to make.

"Hey, you still with me?" Shepard smiled at him, scooting closer. She rested her forehead against his, and he could smell the scent of grapefruit and coconut from her shampoo.

"I never left. It's just hard to know without...having actually experienced being in that moment."

As if reading his thoughts Shepard shut her eyes tight.

"I don't know what I would have wanted. It honestly doesn't matter in that sense. I really mean that this time. I'm not trying to be in denial. On one hand I know the logic on the other...it may have been our only chance to have a baby."

Kaidan opened his mouth to argue, but closed it just as quick. In denying the truth he could only put a barrier between them. Yeah, he tried to be optimistic, but ignoring reality never suited him. He looked at the fallen corners of her mouth, and her twitching brow. A thought crossed his mind that hadn't been there previously, _What if she can't get pregnant?_

Dying was a lot of trauma for a body to cope with even briefly, adding a forced coma, and God knows whatever else Cerberus did to her...that kind of stress could do a lot to a body. Kaidan saw it on her face, but it would be foolish to think it ended there. Shepard drew in a deep breath then exhaled as if trying to push the same thought from her mind. She planted a light kiss on his lips then pulled away, rolling on her back. "What bothers me is not having the chance to make that choice. I just...I never knew."

Kaidan had known Shepard for only about a month when he figured out her greatest fear and greatest concern. She wasn't afraid of much, but he saw the fear she felt at ended possibilities. Lives cut short too soon. Colonies with so much promise all but ruined. The girl from Mindoir, Talitha, who had lost herself probably about the same time Shepard lost everything but not all of herself. Every dream, chance, and opportunity not taken tore her up inside.

The sensation in his gut didn't fade, but instead warmed to the scolding he felt earlier. Had the Illusive Man and Miranda made that decision for her? They knew everything about Shepard. Hell, they knew everything about him. It still disquieted him that the picture on her desk had already been in place when she walked up to her cabin after waking up. They left no stone unturned. Nothing was private or sacred, but then again if anything was neither of them would have been good a terrorists. They took parts of Shepard's life out of her hands, and had no fucking right to.

"I know how you feel." Kaidan stroked her cheek. For a moment Shepard seemed small again exactly like she did in the shuttle bay with tears and sweat streaming down her face. Two and a half years ago he never thought of using that adjective in reference to Shepard. Her strength, honest to God, scared him sometimes, but the fight had taken its toll. Her strength could only go so far particularly when it came to matters close to home. Truth was she wasn't the only one. Every day there was a bit more grey in his hair, a few more lines on his face. Kaidan looked a bit more like his father every day. This situation was just another blow, another hit square to the jaw. They didn't deserve it. They served the Alliance well. They were protecting the universe didn't it owe them something? Shepard should have been able to get a good night's sleep. He should have been able to help her from the whole damn start. He shouldn't have to take the sideline on missions due to goddamned migraines. The stars above them would go on into forever in some form or another. Maybe the universe didn't care about the cycle or about fairness.

Shepard's eyes darkened. "I'm...tired." Her voice was barely above a whisper, but one look in her eyes told him exactly what she meant. He reached for the hand she had between them. Her calloused fingers entwined with his own. He could feel the scar between her thumb and index finger. He'd have to ask her how she got that. Two years made for a lot of lost time. They should have been somewhere else rekindling their relationship, not fighting off a synthetic alien space menace...not reflecting on the child they never knew they had.

"Yeah, I know that feeling too."

~~~~~~ Next time...Kaidan comes face to face with Miranda.~~~~~~


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan had never considered himself dishonest. He never stole anything serious or told lies for the hell of it. He tried to live an honest life. Perhaps that's why disgust crawled through his skin as he sat at Shepard's personal computer. He drew in a breath as the screen popped up asking for her password. He didn't need to hack a thing because he knew her just that well. His fingers typed in BIOticBItch03, and when he pressed enter a small smile came on his lips. Shepard really was something else. However, a secondary box popped up on the screen asking for a four digit code. _Shit_.

A small squeak came from behind him, and he turned. Boo stood pressed against the glass of his cage watching him with curious eyes.

"I know I shouldn't be here."

The hamster tilted its head then made another squeak.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Breach of trust and all, but I'm doing it for her benefit." He paused, scratching the back of his head. "Why am I explaining this to you?"

As if the creature understood he took off to another corner of the cage to run on his wheel. Kaidan sighed, ignoring the slight guilt edging up from insulting Shepard's pet. _It's a four digit code_. He sat there going through all the possible four digit codes she could use. The day she joined the _Alliance? Graduated High School? My birthday? Hers? No that's obvious. It has to be something most people wouldn't know_.

The thought came in a flash, her siblings birthdays, and it left an anxiety inside him. He hit his omni-tool doing a quick search of records and finding a list of the dead from the Batarian raid on Mindoir. All six of the dead Shepard family were listed alphabetically amongst the hundreds of others. Beside their names were dates of birth and death. He shifted uncomfortably in the chair. It wasn't too far off from walking on a grave. He was violating her privacy, and using the dead to do it screamed of being wrong. Kaidan drew in a deep breath, choosing to believe that if there was an afterlife maybe they would understand. This wasn't something he took lightly and he had to.

Finding the list didn't make the code easier. Shepard was born between two sets of twins. He began entering every combination of their birthday starting from the oldest brother and sister then the youngest before then interchanging them in a variety of combinations. A sigh of relief escaped him when he pushed in the code and accessed Shepard's messages.

He found a few messages with no listed senders and began to scroll through them. So long as he didn't look through the personal ones it would be fine. The task was easier said than done. The woman never deleted anything. She must have saved every message since they left Earth. There was even an ad for Krogan sex pills saved, but that was most likely for her own amusement. Kaidan shook his head as a small smile crossed his lips. _You never make things easy do you_? After another ten minutes of scrolling he finally found a message ending with Miranda, and chit the reply button. "Well..here we go." He began to type out the message trying to think like the Commander he knew all too well.

_Hey,_

_I need to talk to you about...about everything. I'm not dwelling on it._

Kaidan paused almost laughing at himself. If he wasn't dwelling than he wouldn't be doing this.

_I just need you to answer some questions. Rather do it in person. Meet me by Meridian Place on the Citadel._

He added the date and time then sent the message. Before logging off he used his omni-tool to delete records of it having been sent. It wouldn't be completely clean in the system, but Shepard had no reason to look too hard. The emotions stewing within him were enigmatic. Kaidan ran his fingers though his hair, feeling the start of another migraine. He logged off the computer, and walked toward her bed just as he began to see the odd colors that accompanied his migraines. There were so many questions that plagued his mind, and he needed answers. There wasn't any other way.

Shepard sat in Life Support Control, sipping her coffee, while starring down at her datapad. It was a report from Palaven about the impact the krogan were making with the Reapers. It was a small difference, but all the more important because of it. The warmth of her mug seeped into her fingers, and in some way it felt better than the coffee. A lot of the crew had taken time off to decompress on the Citadel, but Shepard preferred to decompress on the Normandy.

She used to sit in LSC across from Thane as they traded some of their wilder exploits. Though, more time was spent sitting in silence enjoying each other's company. Thane meditated while she read, he prayed while she listened to the beauty of his words. Like so many other people Thane had gone, another victim of the war. She loved Kaidan, but Thane and her had something else. They never stopped loving the people that were far from them, and they never asked the other to do so. He said Shepard pulled him from his battle-sleep, but he did the same for her. There were many kinds of love, and the love she had for Thane came from an understanding of battle scars Kaidan couldn't quite grasp and a world view that left little to elaborate on.

Her shoulders fell and the image of Thane's body going limp on his hospital bead sent a shiver down her spine. Thane said he would meet her across the sea, and funnily enough she wanted to believe him. Earth religions never held much of her interest, but the little bit that Thane had taught her about his own had been comforting despite her agnostic ways. Did Thane walk beside his wife waiting for loved ones in some far off paradise? Was her child there with them?

Shepard put down her mug then rubbed the bridge of her nose. All the unknowns were too damn distracting. The back of her brain tingled and throbbed near her amp. Her muscles felt tight despite her body feeling weak. _No wonder Miranda didn't wanna tell me...shit._

"Shepard, I've noticed a spike in your...you seem stressed." EDI's voice filled the room.

Shepard let out a silent sigh, rolling her shoulders then clearing her throat.

"A fair bit."

"I...overheard your conversation with the major. Is your stress related to the situation?"

"You were spying on me?"

"Shepard, by my very nature I spy on everyone. It's whether I chose to record it or not that's the question." Silence filled the room, and Shepard raised a brow unable to help the small smirk on her lips. "That was a joke."

Shepard chuckled, leaning back in her chair. "Yeah I know EDI. I'm honestly surprised you didn't come down here uh in body."

"I can if you prefer, Shepard. However, I did not wish to alert Jeff to something "being up" since I do not have a specific reason to see anyone. Besides I have noticed that unlike other people your body language does not change whether I'm in body with you or not. Jeff is the same way."

A genuine smile came on Shepard's lips, and her heart felt a bit warm.

"You like that I accept you as you are?"

"It is more so not necessary for me to-" EDI paused a moment as if rethinking her words. "In a sense, yes, but we are not talking about me, Shepard. I am asking about you."

Shepard took a sip of her coffee then took a few slow steady breaths. EDI's worry would cease if Shepard managed to calm her body. The deep breathing made her body tingle, and she wondered if it stressed her out more than calmed her down.

"I'm assuming you know about everything?"

"If by everything you mean that before the destruction of the previous Normandy, you were pregnant?"

The coolness of EDI's speech rendered everything down to hard fact. That didn't bother Shepard. EDI did it all the time, in fact that was something she liked. Yet hearing the facts out loud made her heart skip a beat and her insides turn.

"Uh, yeah." Shepard tapped her fingers against her mug, biting the inside of her cheek.

"Then yes, I did. " A silence fell between the two and Shepard let out a loud sigh. "Shepard, may I ask a question?"

The conversation had already started. There was no backing out now."Shoot"

"Would you have wanted to have children under the circumstances?"

Shepard chewed on her cheek. She had been asking herself that question on and off more than she could count, but the answer eluded her still.

"Well, That's complicated."

"I understand. It's a hypothetical with a vast number of factors. I assumed with the Reaper threat you'd chose to..."not keep" your child. Then again organics have a tendency to increase sexual activity during times of stress, not only as relaxation, but as instinct to propagate in order to avert their species demise."

A mirthless chuckle left Shepard's throat, and she rested her chin in the palm of her hand."You sound like Mordin."

"That was not my intention. I merely stated facts."

"This is true. EDI, I don't even know what would have happened. If I hadn't died we wouldn't even be having this conversation. You'd probably be in Kai Leng's ship."

"That is...a disturbing thought, Shepard."

"Sorry. I just mean that it's impossible to know without living through it." Shepard shut her eyes, and images of what-ifs flashed through her mind. A beautiful little boy with Kaidan's eyes and her dry sense of humor, or maybe a little girl with her mother's strength and her father's technical skills. Being put on leave, getting a talking down from Anderson and the council. Being labeled as a crappy mother for wanting to get back into the field as soon as possible despite the fact that every able bodied person was needed. Some talk show would bring on a psychologists to debate her life choices like they knew shit about her. Kaidan being reassigned crossed her mind. Younger, unsure, Kaidan would probably try and do the "honorable thing", but she'd never want him to be with her out of duty. Never that. Reapers descending...those beautiful children screaming as flames descend from above.

"Shepard?"

Having kids during the war was a bad plan. Though there never seemed to be a real plan at all. When everything calmed down then maybe a future with a husband and kids would happen...but her body had been wrecked when she died.

"EDI, I don't know what to tell you." A sharp pain came to her chest and she felt exposed. Her body had been a broken piece of barely breathing meat when Liara turned her over to Cerberus. "The damage done to my body in space despite Cerberus reconstruction would make...conceiving difficult." Another round of straight hard fact. It sounded clinical like she read off a chart, which should have made it easier to process. Yet the sharp pain became icy and radiated down into her gut. "...it may have been my only chance to have a child." Unintended sorrow clung to every word. _Weakness_.

"The possibility is what disturbs you. The not knowing what may have been, and what may not happen." EDI paused as if processing a thousand different responses. "That is a hard burden to bare."

Shepard managed a small smile.

"That, my friend, is the nature of being human."

"Shepard, have you actually talked to Dr. Chakwas about your fertility?"

Shepard raised a brow looking up before taking the last four sips of her coffee.

"Dr. Chakwas wasn't privy to _that_ medical information. They kept it on a need to know basis."

"But that doesn't address your fertility. Furthermore it's a rather presumptuous perspective."

Shepard put her hands on the table.

"I am assuming you wish to remain in a romantic relationship with Major Alenko?" EDI waited for Shepard to nod before continuing, "He could just as likely be infertile. It seems like humans forget sexual prowess isn't necessarily equaled to fertility, at least, it seems that way according to the extranet."

Shepard felt her cheeks go a bit hot, but she didn't let EDI throw her off her game.

"How would you know about the Major's sexual prowess?"

There was a long pause, and for second Shepard thought EDI may have dropped the conversation for some other task.

"You can be rather loud, Shepard."

Shepard burst into laughter. _That damn AI. She's good_.

"I hope you're the only one who knows it. Well, besides Kaidan."

"I did overhear Garrus talking to Vega about it."

"What?!"

"That was a joke."

Kaidan sat in the middle of the Meridian Place Market, his fingers laced together as he half watched people pass by. Some were smiling and laughing pushing the war to the far back of their minds. If it weren't for the bullet holes and bits of miscellaneous charred matter stuck to things one would think nothing had happened on the Citadel. That seemed to be a recurring theme, things being almost normal on the surface and shit underneath. Shepard walked around like nothing ever phased her. No one would see how she wore herself ragged over her missions or over the galaxy, as if she could change things if she tried hard enough. Most times she could, but when she couldn't the look in her eyes cut him deep. She pulled herself together the only way she knew how, by pushing herself to the limit. On the outside Commander Winter Shepard, survivor of Mindoir and Savior of the Citadel, did everything with superhuman ability. The galaxy never saw her cry. They never laid awake with her wondering about everything that may have been. Everything looked fine, and it was crap.

"Major Alenko, I didn't expect to find you here."

Kaidan turned, trying not to let his jaw drop as her looked over the ex-Cerberus agent that Shepard called friend. A tight fitting black suit clung to her every curve, just like in the combat vids confiscated from the Normandy when Shepard was imprisoned. After he gave his character testimonial he pulled some strings and saw vids of Shepard and Agent Miranda Lawson flinging Collectors around like ragdolls. He remembered Miranda took a direct shot to the side without a barrier, but was barely phased at all. _Must have some sort of advanced tech_.

"I'm assuming this has to do with my conversation with Shepard?" She folded her arms, and her demeanor reminded Kaidan of his eighth grade math teacher, beautiful, calculating and intimidating. Miranda's eyes could cut through steel.

"Yeah, I just...have questions."

"Does she know your here?"

He rubbed his hands together and looked toward the stall across from them.

"No, and I intend to keep it that way."

"I can respect that. Major," Miranda stared straight into his eyes. "I tried to get Shepard to drop it, and I couldn't stop her. She wouldn't be with you if I could stop you either. " Miranda moved to the other side of the bench and sat down. A quick look of uncertainty crossed her face, but her casuall confidence immediately replaced it. "What do you want to know?"

_Straight to the point. Pure Professional._

"When Project Lazarus began when was _it_ noticed?"

"Shepard was a mess. At first we could barely tell one part from the other. We began internally and worked outward but reconstruction was simultaneous where possible." Miranda Lawson spoke as though Shepard were a case study instead of the woman she went out for drinks with. For some reason that only put anger inside him, not scalding anger, but enough to make his fingers itch. "We were about a week in when her pregnancy was discovered. She wasn't too far along when the Normandy was destroyed. A little over a month and a half."She knew exactly how far along. Was she trying to be a bit coy or keep it conversational?

"So there was no way to...save..." He paused. He had called their child an it, not out of cruelty, but for a lack of pronouns. All babies technically start off as female...but in another life she could have been a he by the time Shepard gave birth. Miranda seemed to sense his awkwardness, but she let the silence hang. He stared at his hands trying to act like he didn't notice how tight her body language was. How her brow threatened to furrow before she corrected it.

"No. Probably not."

Kaidan whipped his head around.

"Probably?"

"In plain and simple terms. Shepard's recovery was miraculous enough. One of our doctors had a theory that the zygote could be nurtured in an artificial womb construct. " Her words filled his ears, feeding the heat inside his belly. It could erupt explode in a biotic blast. She was supposed to be superhuman right? She could stand to get roughed up, the thought almost made him laugh. That wasn't Kaidan. What was Kaidan was sitting there taking in the words as the pressure built."Her work was revolutionary because it also accounted for potential biotic abilities, and she believed she could essentially replicate Shepard's nutrients and diet. It'd be the most realistic womb environment ever conceived."

"Why didn't you? It'd be a great leap for humanity wouldn't it?"It took everything he had to keep his voice steady, but the scathing sarcasm he could not fight back.

Miranda nodded slowly as if taking in and chewing on his words.

"Yes, but also incredibly expensive and without immediate benefit to stopping the Reapers."

Kaidan's fingers wound into tight fists. He could feel the rush of energy around his amp and adrenaline hit that growing heat inside him. She turned to him, raising a brow. _Miranda's just another biotic bitch like me. That's why I like her_. Shepard had told him that. Miranda could no doubt sense his biotic surge.

"So you and the Illusive Man played God because of finances?"

Miranda stared at him, putting a hand on her hip. An amused expression crossed her face.

"If it weren't for our playing God Shepard wouldn't even be alive."

"But you didn't even try to save our child. You did some cost-reward analysis and just said our child was "shit out of luck"." He barely registered how foreign it sounded coming from his mouth. Shepard had woven into his words, his skin, his everything. Miranda didn't get that. She didn't see how Shepard cried, or how she didn't even know how to process her feelings. She didn't get how he couldn't tell if he was disappointed, or that every time he thought about it part of him felt sick.

"It's the reality. We didn't even have the time to see if the process Dr. Malkov created would work. The Collectors were hitting colonies hard, a fact you saw with your own two eyes."

The rage slammed against the barrier inside him, and he swallowed it back down.

"Don't use that card against me." Kaidan scowled at her rising to his feet. "Who gave you the right to decide who lives and who dies? "

Miranda chuckled in his face before snorting "Who gives anyone the right to anything? It's all the extent of our technology that is all that matters."

"You didn't care about what she'd want. Shepard was just a tool."

"In the beginning, yes." Miranda's eyes softened and her voice grew a bit quieter. "At first I even suggested we put an explosive chip in her brain. Now I'm glad we didn't." Miranda's eyes lowered. "We didn't see a point. We doubted she even knew she was pregnant at the time and thought it best if she not know. It would be a distraction."

"You made all these decisions on what was best for you, the galaxy, did you ever think about her?" _Or me_?

"No. Not like I do now." Miranda brow furrowed and her lips fell into a frown she didn't try to hide, catching Kaidan off guard. "I have few friends, Major, and Shepard is one of the most loyal. I didn't want to see her hurt, so I didn't tell her until she asked."

"Keeping this from her wouldn't hurt her?"

" The past is the past. What good does wondering do her...or you?"

Kaidan glanced away, his shoulders falling as the realization took over. He could never know what would happen by talking to Miranda. She didn't hold some mythical answer, and even if the rage still clawed at his chest it felt wrong. Misdirected.

"Major, chances were nothing could be done. Beyond that I doubt Shepard would have kept your child. Adoption or abortion, I don't know. You've seen how tired she looks, add on worrying about your child's safety while you two are trying to stop the Reapers."

The image crept back into Kaidan's mind. His mother cowering in the basement of their orchard trying to console their little girl or boy as the Reapers edged ever closer threatening what little peace they had. It was followed by an image of Shepard handing off their newborn to a social worker. Never asking him what he wanted. Never looking back, because the pain was always just a bit in front of her. What would Shepard have done? Would she have even told him she was pregnant? Shepard could be more methodical than most people realized. She could get him reassigned and outside of rumors he'd never hear about their child. He'd call her up and demand answers, but she'd lie in her perfect kind of way until he believed her. A sourness filled his mouth and chest. The adrenaline anger pumped through him, he could feel his hands threatening to shake. Thinking about her that way made his skin crawl, but he knew her better than anyone. She'd do it if she thought it spared him pain, and possible loss of his career.

"You...you don't know that."

"I do. Even if she wanted a child...who knows if she or you or...anyone will survive this war? I believe in Shepard but..." Miranda's words became lost to Kaidan as new images leapt to mind. Shepard and him on Earth fighting hard and fast. A swarm of husks and brutes bounding the corner of an abandoned building rushing them. Shepard trying to suck them into a singularity, but the brutes ram the husks out of its pull toward them. The fight is a whirlwind of biotics and shotgun blasts. They can almost win, only a few more husks to go, when a brute grabs her and crushes her before flinging her to the ground. Shepard's armor half crushed, and her body limp. The story could end there. He survives returning to Earth to tell his child that mama's never coming home. A life time of telling stories that never quite fill the gaping void where Shepard's love used to be. Or maybe in that fight he'd be caught off guard by a marauder and shot clean through the head. He could see the result far too clearly. Shepard clinging to their child like a lifeline, her eyes jaded and empty. She knew what it was like to have a void where a father used to be. Kaidan felt his heart fall. It was a feeling he may have to learn if his own father was MIA. If he and Shepard died then their kid wouldn't even have two grandparents to look after him or her. It'd be just mother trying to give their child a sense of who they were. The thought tore him apart inside.

Why was he even angry? Miranda and the Illusive Man were just being pragmatic. Their child had died and spending untold amounts of money on one scientists untested theory sounded insane when they were trying to track the Collectors. At the same time he wished they had. When did Kaidan want a family so badly? He didn't used to think so hard about it, but that was before Shepard. There had to be a reason...a thick logical one that eluded him. He shrugged his shoulders, shutting his eyes for a moment to collect himself before looking to Miranda once more.

"I just...I would have liked to have dealt with it."

"We don't always get what we want, major, and once again...are you and Shepard even sure you want the same thing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Next Time Kaidan and Shepard have a long ass talk~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard sat on a bed in the medbay, watching as Dr. Chakwas ran tests on vials of Shepard's blood and other miscellaneous floods from her body. Dr. Chakwas had two vials and her medical files priority sent to Dr. Michel in Huerta. An Alliance or Cerberus vessel was equipped only with what they needed most. _How many terrorists or soldiers are concerned about being able to have kids?_ Shepard ran her finger tips over her knees, thankful that the window shutters kept prying eyes out. Dr. Chakwas made it a point to have them turned down before Shepard met with her. If Shepard knew EDI then any crewmen in need of minor medical attention, like a small cut or a pulled muscle, would be told to wait a few moments giving Shepard time to put on her _Commander Shepard_ face then leave. The good doctor had reacted in surprise to Shepard's request, but Shepard's explanation "The war has me thinking about the future," kept her from asking questions. Telling her about the fact that Cerberus left out important medical information would send her whirling not only as a doctor but as Shepard's friend_. Can you check if I can pop out some kids? Oh and I was pregnant two years ago when I died. K'thanks_. The question remained if there were other things Cerberus left out, but those were thoughts best buried deep. _One worry at a time_.

Dr. Chakwas swirled around in her chair with a warm smile, but her eyes were speckled with some anxiety. She probably held the same suspicions Shepard did."Commander, I should hear back by tonight if you wish to see the results immediately."

She knew her patient well. _Act quickly and "pull off the band-aid" as Great-gran would say_.

"Thanks, doc. I really appreciate this."

"Anything for you, Shepard. Though I won't pretend I'm not shocked." The dryness of her voice could almost be mistaken for sarcasm if not for the seriousness of her eyes. "I knew you and Kaidan were serious, but I had no idea you wanted children anytime soon."

_Should I be insulted or not_?

"Well, maybe not soon." Shepard rubbed her right arm over where a small slather of omni-gel covered where blood was drawn. "I like knowing my options."

"I understand. Kaidan would make a great father." A tender smile came on her lips. Shepard could hazard a guess that she either saw a little boy with whiskey colored eyes or a rambunctious little girl causing mischief every five minutes with Shepard's laugh.

Shepard rubbed her arm, shifting in discomfort. "Yeah, he would."

Shepard could picture Kaidan holding a child with such ease. He had all the traits of a good father, wisdom, uncertainty, love, etc. From the moment Shepard realized she was interested in him she knew he'd probably want kids. Kaidan carried himself like a man who wanted to try out the dream—a wife, a kid or two, and the occasional adventure. She shut her eyes, letting out a slow breath as she tried to ignore the agitation building in her limbs. When her eyes opened a self deprecating smile took over her face. He knew what he wanted, and she, his former commanding officer, couldn't figure it out for the life of her. When the hell did that happen?

Dr. Chakwas looked away, removing her gloves before resting her chin on her hand."You know...after the war it really won't matter."

"What do you mean?"

" With all the war orphans...whether you adopt now or 15 years from now some child will need a home, and you and Kaidan have exceptional credentials. Saving the galaxy, becoming spectres, saving the council and that's twice between the two of you."

Shepard let out a quiet laugh, rubbing her knees. "We haven't gotten there yet, doc."

"But we will. I know it."

While part of Shepard clung to Dr. Chakwas words like a balm on an aching wound, the rest of her pulled back. It was not that simple. Yet Dr. Chakwas unwavering faith in Shepard, in the Alliance, and their mission made Dr. Chakwas an unstoppable force of hope, in conjunction with her down-to-earth optimism and self confidence. Dr. Chakwas had faith something Shepard didn't like to bank much on. Still she wished she had some of Dr. Chakwas optimism as she rose to her feet.

"Thanks, doc."

She walked to the kitchen, opening a cabinet containing boxes of high energy protein bars. She grabbed two, stuffing one in her pocket while opening the other. She shoveled half of it down at once, as her stomach growled. She could almost hear Kaidan reminding her to eat "You can't starve yourself to victory. You're a biotic." He worried too much. She decided to go for a jog around the ship, but Liara turned the corner, stopping Shepard in her tracks, with a wrinkle in her brow.

"Shepard, I need to show you something."

"You always have my ear, Liara." Shepard was never sure whether to call Liara's room a bedroom or a base of operations. Knowing the young asari she probably gave it a lot of thought, but Shepard wouldn't ask. Liara was figuring out her place in the world just like her, and Shepard knew the anxiety that came with loaded questions. Liara went to her console and Shepard moved beside her. Liara opened a long list of names, locations, and times that made Shepard's eyes lose focus for a moment at its sheer enormity.

"What's this?"

"Data logs." Liara did not bother looking up as she scrolled down the screen. "They're of every message entering and exiting the ship."

Shepard was taken aback. She crossed her arms, never looking away from her friend. "I understand you're the Shadowbroker but this is way too far Liara."

The room became quiet except for the sounds of Liara's fingers and the quiet pings of her computer, as Liara opened a particular message. She turned to Shepard as if she hadn't heard a word from her mouth. "There was a message sent from your cabin about two hour ago."

"I haven't been in my cabin in hours."

Liara glanced upword. "EDI?"

"Records indicate the message was sent while we talked in life-support. Dr. T'Soni saw you enter the LSC earlier when she documented the message." EDI said from the ship speakers.

Shepard leaned in her eyes scanning over the message.

_"Hey,_

_I need to talk to you about...about everything. I'm not dwelling on it._

_I just need you to answer some questions. Rather do it in person. Meet me by Meridian Place on the Citadel."_

"I didn't send that, but it sounds like me." Shepard stared, dumbfounded at the message. Kaidan had access to her terminal, but she logged off every time she left the room. He didn't know her passwords, but then again he could guess them and probably get it right. But he wouldn't do that. Not unless he was desperate "Who is it addressed to?"

"Miranda Lawson." Liara looked into Shepard's eyes, but Shepard only looked at the screen. _No, he wouldn't unless...No._ "Only one person besides you has complete access to your cabin and when I saw him earlier he was leaving the ship."

"He wouldn't." Shepard slapped her hand against one of the consoles, but barely registered the sting as she turned around. It made sense if Kaidan wanted to know details. The man always had to know everything. He never let shit be shit and moved on. She ignored the voice in the back of her mind reminding her about how she asked him about BAaT and Rahna. It was different...she never betrayed his trust. He was the only one capable, the only one with access, and the only one with reason. The realization was a bolt to the chest and anger began to rise, overwhelming her body with tension. "That bastard." Shepard stalked from the room waving off, Liara as she tried to follow. Rage was woven into her face and as crewmen passed by to talk to her she shot them down with a look. She'd help them out after chewing Kaidan out and ripping him a very messy new one.

Shepard marched toward the Observation lounge, and found Kaidan staring off into the star speckled void. He turned and upon seeing her face his entire body tensed. His brow furrowed, and he looked as though he had been waiting for something. There was a spark of recognition as their eyes met, but no surprise crossed his face only a still seriousness.

"You. My cabin. Now." Shepard turned abruptly making her way to the elevator, her fists wound tight. The silent ride up to her cabin with Kaidan didn't temper her rage. It had cooled just beneath the surface, and any wrong word from his mouth could set the blaze from low to scalding. She almost wanted him to give her the excuse to blow up, but Kaidan simply followed her into her cabin with a solemn face.

"What the Hell did you think you were doing?" Shepard spun around standing at the edge of her bed. "Going into my messages? I thought you were better than that, Kaidan."

"I just needed answers, and you didn't have them." Kaidan crossed his arms, shifting his weight to one foot, his face unchanging. "I didn't want to spend my life wo-"

"You had no right."

"I'm sorry I betrayed your trust, but I had to talk to her."

"Why?" Shepard felt her fists begin to tremble and her heart pounded against her chest, threatening to rip her chest apart. "Why did you have to ask about a baby that never existed?"

Kaidan's eyes narrowed, and he walked down the steps toward her.

"You're not the only one entitled to have feelings about this, Shepard."Kaidan's words made Shepard flinch. The bite in his voice hit home, and the sharpness of guilt mingled with the adrenaline driving her heart."I love you and would support you in whatever you would have wanted, but that doesn't strip away my feelings about it. So I had to figure things out. I still am."

His words struck her like a slap to the face. How could he think that she didn't care about his feelings? Yet the anger renewed itself with the hurt, and she felt like a caged animal. He kept his composure, but she felt her own begin to wane.

"I never said that, Kaidan."

"You didn't have to."

Shepard let out a huff. "You can feel whatever you want, but that doesn't excuse what you did."

"No, it doesn't, and quite frankly, right now I don't care." Kaidan went towards her, his shoulders fell, and he let out a sigh. "We both tried to bury it and let life return to normal, but we can't just pretend nothing happened."

"We can if we try." Shepard's words sounded like a small child begging, needing some sort of help. It almost made her stomach turn, and part of her screamed in her head for it. _Weak_.

"Don't pretend you don't think about it."

The image of the impossible children came to mind, the boy or girl who never were. She bit her lip, and her eyes fell to the floor. Her anger faltered as her mind ran though the different combinations of child she and Kaidan could produce. Snarky. Silly. Calm. Studious. Fun loving. Black hair. Whiskey eyes. Biotic punch. Good with a gun.

"Kaidan, just drop it."

"What would you have done?" Kaidan refused to look away from her. His eyes pulled back layer after layer of her defenses, and the barrier in her head didn't know how to respond. His accusatory eyes pierced her in a way she hadn't felt sense Horizon or Mars. "Would you have never told me if I hadn't have pushed you?"

Shepard stayed silent, her eyes falling to the floor.

"Would you have told me even two years ago?"

Shepard looked up at him feeling the wound of his words become a gaping orifice of hurt. She may have been stubborn, and she may have acted on people's best interest against their will countless times, but he couldn't think her so unfeeling. Though in truth she couldn't deny she the thought had been rolled around her mind, but even then it left her heart aching. Kaidan's biotics flared, as did her own and she could feel the energies crashing into each other like opposing tides.

"You didn't tell me that you suspected you might be pregnant." Kaidan's words sounded more lost than angry. If only she could help him find his way, but they were both two lost souls wondering a forest of unknowns. "I'm not some kid who will run out on you, but you act like I'm not your partner in this. You didn't even tell me that you suspected you might be pregnant. So now I have all these thoughts racing through my head, as to why you wouldn't just tell me." Shepard started to speak, but nothing came out. She couldn't find any word to go with her feelings in English and didn't know enough of any other language to make up for it. Maybe he was right. Maybe she was that arrogant of a woman. Kaidan wasn't the kind of man who could be happy with not knowing. Some men were, but he was different. He was Kaidan, and she loved him for it. He was wrong she would have told him. "Would you have shut me out in an attempt to spare me and save my career, never caring what I would have wanted?"

Shepard's eyes began to water with tears that felt like flame.

"Kaidan, I would never do that."

Their baby was gone. Irrelevant. A distraction. _Our only chance for a family_. She winced as the hurt of the thought burned into her soul with his accusations. "I don't know what you'd do, and I don't know why I can't stand it. Tell me how'd it go. Tell me what you'd want so I can at least get rid of that question."

Her eyes fell and her shoulders went limp.

"What do you want me to say. I. Don't. Know." Shepard ran her fingers through her hair, her teeth grinding. "And I didn't tell you because I was afraid. I don't know why. Two years ago we had just gotten together. Things were so new...and I didn't want to ruin anything. I didn't want to bring it up until I was certain." She moved away from him toward her desk, pacing back and forth. "Kaidan, I would have loved our child. I would, but every time I imagine our baby on Earth with your parents or my aunt and uncle I want to scream." Shepard felt as though she was crawling in her skin_. Keep moving. Don't stop moving_. "I would never want to have your baby in this war. It would break me...and you." The itch in her body kept her moving back and forth, avoiding his gaze. Their potential child had gone, had died with her in the cold heart of space, had burned with her in the atmosphere, had suffocated as the universe stole all the oxygen from her lungs and veins. Her hand went to her stomach as an overwhelming sadness came over her, and she slowed momentarily before picking up speed again. Nothing could undo the past. Discomfort belied every single step and it drove her mad. It was hard to even know what they argued over anymore. "You want to know what would happen. I can't tell you other than what I feel, and that's that in the here and now no child should have to learn fear. "

Kaidan seemed taken aback by her outburst, and regret settled in the furrows of his brow. _Good_. He moved toward her, but she just looked at her desk. Her charred N7 helmet stared up at her in all it's cracked glory. She picked it up, and the feeling of the air being ripped from her lungs took over. The suffocating cold of space right there in her cabin.

"I...can't give you back the child you deserve, and help me I can't say I'm 100% sorry for that. What I am sorry for is that we probably won't have another chance," Shepard said.

Kaidan sat on the edge of her bed, but she didn't sit beside him despite part of her wanting to. She thought they could bury it, but it couldn't be buried. It meant too much, and yet nothing at all. Kaidan knew that. "I shouldn't have said what I said."

Shepard ran her right thumb over a jagged crack of the helmet. The roughness ran through her, and she thought it'd cut her, but no matter how hard she pushed her skin didn't give.

"No, you shouldn't have." _Bastard_. "We have to keep going, pushing forward, and on. I was pregnant with your child, and we never got to see it play out. It...hurts knowing that..god does it hurt."

"It's hard when you don't know." Kaidan let out a sigh. He didn't know what he wanted to say to her, but regret hung on every word like a pyjak to a tree. "It's the what-ifs."

"We can spend every day wondering about them." She shut her eyes, "I wonder about the raid. I wonder if I hadn't have gone back for Joker...He wonders that maybe if he had just gotten for the damn escape pod if we'd have two years of preparing to help turn the tide of this damn war." She turned to face him. He looked away from her, and the helmet in her hands. When he walked past her desk he averted his eyes, as if that stupid piece of armor had contained every painful moment of the last two and a half years. He had to face it. They had lost out. "I died, and maybe I lost the chance to have a family with you."

A sharp silence crept between them, and for once she embraced the quiet. What was left to say? Shepard let out a slow breath. It wasn't the what-ifs, but the what-could-have-beens and the may-never-bes that clawed at her insides like animals. She sat beside him staring down at her fingers, running over her helmet. Sometimes when she closed her eyes she remembered the feeling of dying. She wondered if the little boy who haunted her dreams, or Thane had felt the same way. Then again their deaths were more peaceful than her own. Now she could wonder about her unborn child too. Maybe she always would, but the wound would heal. In a strange way Shepard felt somewhat freer, having gotten it all out into the open. There was nothing to hold back anymore, nothing to tip toe around in her thoughts.

"And if you had that chance again?" Kaidan's voice was firm, but quiet. Shepard's heart froze in her chest. It made sense that he would ask."Not then, not now, but after we blast the Reapers to hell."

_But we might not. Why think about it? _

"Kaid...I don't think I can get pregnant...the amount of trauma...the stress-"

He took her chin lifting it to meet his eyes.

_I love him. This man...this bastard who puts me here. Who keeps me standing instead of running...shit_.

"Ignore all that. Tell me what you would do. " He could be so gentle sometimes. She rarely met men like him, confident without arrogance and toughness with unending tenderness.

"I'd...take it." Shepard swallowed. The enormity of what she said hit her like a sack of bricks. She wanted to have his children. Commander Shepard wanted to bare Major Kaidan Alenko's babies and said it out loud. Her heart was beating against her chest like an iron drum. Kaidan put a hand on top of hers and her shoulders relaxed, but a second later her body tensed again. If she didn't ask now then she wouldn't get another chance until they were too far in. She swallowed, drawing in a breath before saying, "but...if I can't will that be an issue?"

The look of shock that crossed Kaidan's face instantly set guilt in her chest, but she had to ask. Family was important to him. He was a romantic at heart, fighting for justice, getting the girl, and settling down had always held a certain appeal for him. That's part of what she loved about him. If she couldn't help him get to that dream...

"Not for one second. I don't care if you change your mind. I don't care if we adopt. I just want you. This is corny, but ,Shepard, you and my parents are my family. Kids, sure yeah, I guess I always pictured them, but you are all I need." His lips met hers lightly at first then feverishly, as if he needed her more than air. The feeling made her body quiver and set her insides ablaze. Their biotics no longer clashed, but hummed in tune across her neck and brain. The sensation made the back of her brain tingle. When he pulled away, his lips were curled into a reassuring smile.

Shepard let out a soft laugh "We could always adopt. Human, krogan, turian, drell, etc. Lots of kids will need homes like the Doc said."

"Just...ugh, no Krogan orphans."

The two laughed, but another nagging thought had already seized her mind. They were talking like the future laid before them with ease, instead of like the reapers were destroying their way of shut her eyes, the melancholy that seemed to color her days more as the war went on stirred. There could be no too far in to get to. For all they knew they only had a few weeks left. Even if they won the chances of both of them coming out alive were pretty damn small. The moment soured, and she hated herself for it.

"You're assuming we survive."

Kaidan stroked her cheek his eyes never left her, and for a second it was right before they were preparing to hit Illos. He looked at her like she was the end all be all, and she let the softness of her eyes show that he got to see Winter Shepard. A woman often ignored. Even back then, against all logic, something told her he might be it. Years later his eyes still held that tender worry, but it had planted itself far deeper in his beautiful eyes. Now she wore bags under her eyes, and they never seemed to light up as much anymore. He never needed to point it out to her verbally. It was said when he reminded her to eat, and pulled her from work into his arms. It was said when he forced her to stop moving and just take a breath and deal. He wouldn't let her forget she was a woman, and Shepard tried to remind him that he had to take care of himself too. The years had put a wrinkle or two on his face along with salt and pepper in his once jet black hair. When his migraines came she kept him off mission against his will, and told EDI to not disturb him unless an emergency came up. She would remind him that his choices were right, so long as he believed in his own integrity. Even if she was misguided she would try and do what was best for him.

"We will fight like hell for that chance, you hear me?" He was her solid ground. Her past, her future, and her present all equaled to him. She didn't know when it happened. Maybe it was when he helped her up by the weapons locker on the SR-1 or long before that when some flirt escaped her lips. This wasn't some wartime love affair. Kaidan was the real fucking deal, and she'd fight like hell for every second she wanted with him.

"Hell yeah."

"So...you were talking to Dr. Chakwas about this?"

Shepard felt heat rise to her cheeks, and she pulled away a little. Somehow explaining this made her feel...exposed.

"I asked her to see if I might be able to...if I wanted to get pregnant again. " She studied his face watching the depths of her words in his eyes. "She said she'd have results in a few hours."

"So...we wait."

"I hate waiting."

A smirk over took Kaidan's face with an almost diabolical smugness.

"I'd have never guessed."

"Ha ha." Shepard fought a losing battle with the happiness that forced a smile. "I love you. Back then...now...always. I'm afraid you can't escape my heart, major."

"Why would I want to? I love you too, and never think different." Kaidan put his arm around her, and she rested her head against his shoulder. _Cheesy_. They sat in the quiet, enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies. There was no pacing, no fidgeting, no pulling away. There was just them sitting together in the confines of her cabin. Shepard's soul felt quiet, and the barrier in her brain and chest felt almost non-existent."It'll hurt, but you're right it'll heal."

"We'll remember and wonder, and perhaps, that's how it should be. There's no moving on so much as moving with."

"That's rather poetic."

Shepard chuckled, letting her eyes shut. "Yeah, don't tell anyone I said that." Kaidan took the helmet from her lap, running his hands over it, staring at each crack. For once she couldn't tell what was on his mind, but his face became tense before he put it on her desk. He took off his boots and reclined on her bed, and without a word she did the same, resting her head on his chest. They laid together for a while, and for once she let herself just be still. There was no itch crawling up and through her veins. Kaidan kissed her forehead, and Shepard smiled. Regardless of anything they were together and as corny as she thought it was...that was enough.

_I can't tell you what could have been...but we have here and now. If our baby waits across the sea then it will be a long time before we meet. No surrender. No crying over lost causes. No forgetting what we've lost because it makes us stronger. Our future starts today._

End.

~~~Thank you guys for reading my first complete Fanfiction! I'm working on more stories featuring Commander Winter Shepard. So look for more in the future including Two alternate endings and Shepard's lost childhood during the Mindoir Raid~~~


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